Anders under the Magic Star.

So, yesterday we jumped a miniature hurdle. Mom had to go to Columbia for the whole day for a big event, and it was by far the longest I had been away from the little tyke. It was certainly the first time I had missed the bedtime hour. He ended up taking five bottles with a previous record of three. As I type this and describe it as a big deal, I am aware of how crazy it sounds to the non parents of the world, and even to those who are slightly further removed from my reality. I know it sounds crazy because until five months ago I thought parents who didn't like leaving their children at night were strange. And that giving a kid a bottle was the most normal thing in the world. So, I try to only have these conversations about leaving for a few hours and giving bottles and not putting the little man down to bed with other crazy infant mamas who will understand the nuances of stepping away from the mom/infant bond and how the steps are baby-sized and taken with a little bit of regret.

I know that my experience as a mom has a lot to do with the fact that I have choices about work and home that others simply don't have. It is hard to understand why some of us have choices and others don't. The only explanation is that it's a matter of luck. I have the option to stay home with Anders and many others I know have exercised that option. As I was running the other day, my thoughts went to all the moms and dads who don't even get to think about that option, who must work and perhaps must work more than one job in order to support their children. I know those parents have the same feelings of love and worry that I have. I have been told that it is not productive to feel guilty - and at some level I know that is true - but it seems so unfair to me that all parents don't have the option to be with their little ones more while they are immobile and completely dependent on others... This is something I have been pondering a lot lately. There's so much strength in the world.

I read somewhere today that your children always watch you closely to see what they want to be in life, and also to see what they don't want to be. In some ways it is intimidating to be that parent watched, to know the impact that we have on our youth. But, it's great to be reminded of that and to have the opportunity to think of those characteristics and values that one hopes to pass on to the next generation. Parents are held accountable by those watchful, curious, admiring eyes.